Closing Time Snacks

On a cold rainy night, Edmund Sandwich walked home alone.
Having consumed many ales in his local, he slightly staggered in the vague direction of home.
Passing the park, he had thoughts of taking the shortcut.
Although this would only take a few minutes off his journey.
But in his inebriated state he couldn't find the entrance gate.
He thought about climbing the railings for a second, then moved onwards down the road.
The rain was becoming heavier now.
Walking towards a bus shelter, Edmund waved to a lone female figure sitting on the bench in the shelter.
The figure waved back.
"No buses at this time of night, love." said Edmund seeing long golden locks under the hood of her coat.
The woman remained silent however.
"Are you alright?" pondered Edmund, yet still no response from the woman.
Gesturing "forget it" Edmund walked on homewards, his house was in view.

Walking in through the front door, he was greeted by his wife.
"What fucking time do you call this, you bastard?"
"Oh fuck off - I'm going to bed."

Edmund walked up the stairs and into the dark master bedroom.
Vague thoughts of masturbation came into his mind, when he heard a groan coming from the direction of the wardrobe.
Opening the wardrobe door he was confronted with a strangely recogniseable figure - it was the woman from the bus stop!
"I've just cum, big boy. Emptied me jewels in your shoe." groaned the woman.
In shock, Edmund stood back.
The fear he felt stopped him from saying anything.
Two seconds later the woman was chuckling with glee, as Edmund limply slumped to the floor.
The woman turned on the light and looked towards the Edmund's body on the floor, next to the bed.
A large kitchen knife protruded from the right eye.
A small pool of blood was forming around the head.

The woman removed her hood.
It was Lauretta!
Lauretta moved quickly to remove Edmund's shoes.
Pulling garden shears out of her coat, she neatly clipped off Edmund's toes.
Placing them in a small bag weaved from pigs bladder and human ligaments, she removed the knife from the eye.
"Now for the balls" chortled Lauretta, cutting through trousers and underwear.
Lopping off Edmunds testicles in a tearing motion she wrapped them around her head with a smile as wide as the Atlantic.
She paused momentarily with testicles resting around her neck and blood trickling down her coat.
Lauretta then turned off the light and carefully returned to the wardrobe.
"Num. Num. Time for tea."

The bedroom door slammed shut.
"Drunken bastard" muttered Edmund's wife, unaware that he was lying dead on the floor with bits missing...
"Oh Edmund, you bugger. Don't touch me there..." whispered Lauretta with venom in the darkness of the wardrobe.